Why Would You Have Been Worried?

I haven't been doing so well in the past few months.

We have had several issues in life, and the depression has kept me in a sort of hibernation for my own protection. 2010 stole my parents. 2011 we lost DH's grandmother (the last living grandparent he had), and had our home burglarized (they stole the best of mom's jewelry, that I hadn't even had for a year!). 2012 we lost my grandmother (my last living grandparent). My Bro and Sis had a still-born son. Then we had a hail storm that damaged our roof and two cars. In the past two months, we have lost three church friends to age and illness. I have two girlfriends separating from their husbands.

I feel like there is a big backpack full of rocks and bricks and bowling balls on my shoulders. It holds me back, pulls me down, and generally makes my life miserable.

I am amazed at how well I have held up, if you want to know the truth of the matter. I don't know why I haven't just hit the loony bin door in a white coat that helps me hug myself. The bad has been offset by good, but honestly, I haven't noticed it much. Do you ever feel that way? I notice that when the bad comes, the enemy likes to lie to me, and tell me that no good will come of it. I had quit watching for good. I had quit watching for God in all things.

I have gotten back into walking several times a week with Roadrunner again, which helps my mood. We talk about all sorts of subjects and sweat away the stress. Lately, I have been wondering if I need iron or caffeine, as our walks tend to wipe me out for the rest of the day. Today, I did a lot of grocery shopping. I accomplish much, but feel like a failure when I walk in my door and see all the accumulation of junk and dirt and dirty things that I haven't the gumption to clean/sort/trash.

Apparently, I need to mind my own advice to others. "Don't be so hard on yourself." I am a strict taskmaster. And perfectionist. And procrastinator. And judge and jury at my own trial. I gave myself my own conviction. Guilty! And that is enough of that.

My lovely friend Court had her healthy baby girl. I have yet to visit, but I am hoping to do that soon. My lovely friend Desi had a beautiful baby girl, as well. Through all the mayhem in my life, God has sent me some sweet pictures to remind me that HE is still alive, and helps us to keep living, daily.

Several people have come to me at church, saying that they notice that I have lost weight. MEN have spoken these words to me. Therefore, the walking is working. I don't notice weight loss, because I don't stand on the scale often, and I stare at the reflection every day and criticize it. I had noticed that I have rearranged where stuff sits, and I had to buy new SMALLER jeans to fit the new shape. Officially, I have lost almost 25 lbs from my highest weight ever, which was three and a half years ago. Small changes, adding exercise, removing junk food (to an extent), eating less in general at almost every meal, and keeping a food journal have helped in the process.

I am by no means "healthy" yet. I still let the depression take over sometimes. I have also tried to remember that each day is a gift and I should be grateful for the many gifts I have been given, and I should share them with joy.

I have purchased a few things that have helped me on my journey. Journal. Magnetic jewelry (I got it because it was pretty, and don't notice good or bad effects from it). Supplements that help my insides function properly.

I have NOT purchased a few things that I dearly desired, simply because I have no need of them in my clutter piles. There are books, movies and music that have stayed on the shelves at stores. I am learning to ask myself the Fly Lady questions: Will this bless my home? Do I love it? Can it bless me more if it goes to another home? Is this valuable? Can it be used by someone else to bless their home? Using these questions and her patterns of cleaning, I have filled three trash carts in the past two weeks. I have donated clothing to the local Goodwill. Over the past few years, I have taken several car loads of clothing that we no longer wear to Goodwill, as well.

Some of what was stolen has been replaced. Most of it was personal and emotional, original and irreplaceable. I don't think I can ever get back the most valuable thing they took, my naive notion that I was safe here. My mind says, "It was only S.T.U.F.F." (Stuff That Undermines Family Fun), and I don't need it." but my heart says, "They stole my mom when they stole the Family Ring."

I have to learn to live in this world of evil, and I have more to learn from my parents about how to handle evil with Jesus. I miss them fiercely.

I will be okay. It is just going to take a while longer than I thought. I have decided that is good. As long as I am working to improve, I am moving in the correct direction.

Today Is The Day

Today is the day that I get up before 10, because I have things to do.
Today is the day that I find the smell in the kitchen, and clean it.
Today is the day that I do all the laundry in the house, and get it folded and put away.
Today is the day that I clean the living room, and set up the couch pieces that currently reside in the garage.
Today is the day that I call a service to clear trees in my back yard, trim/remove bushes in the front yard, and get some sod to resurface the yard.
Today is the day that I find a tile guy to redecorate the bath. Maybe he can frame the garage door on the side of the house, too.
Today is the day I stop wasting money on the gym I never bother to go to anymore.
Today is the day that I blog again.
Today is the day that I finally start up my novel.... again.
Today is the day that I stop eating for two, even though I am not pregnant.
Today is the day that I allow myself to say NO when someone asks me to do something I am not really wanting to do.
Today is the day that I stop making lists, and start working.

I think about many of these things every morning. And I get up out of bed. And I sit down in my spot on the couch, and open the computer. And it is then that I realize my addiction. I haven't blogged for MONTHS, I haven't cleaned beyond what is necessary to live, I haven't done much of anything! I have stared at Facebook. Whew! Need to stop that now.

This blog post will probably be posted to Facebook, as well. Why? Because I am that addicted.

In my professional life, I have almost always had a clean desk. It may be stacked with work, but I can always find the random piece for someone else. In my personal life, I can't say anything about organized. I have never had a good routine at home. I noticed that when I worked outside the home, the home was cleaner. I had to keep a routine!

When I was a child, our home was always cluttered. Mom and Dad both were pack rats in their own ways. Mom was a Collector, and I have that strong gene in me. I want this thing because it will match/coordinate with X, Y and Z at home. Dad was the Insulator, the one who said, "This is useful, and if I throw it out, I will need it tomorrow. I can fix that." Mom had Coca-Cola memorabilia all over the house, and a collection of lighthouses, and the collection of videos. The list grows larger every time I see what I brought home from her house. I have cookbooks, and books of every other sort. I have Precious Moments figurines, and things I have collected over the years since I left home. I also have broken computers, and parts to things I don't even remember a use for.

I can remember a time when my room was the cleanest in the house. It was a very short time. And probably right before I left for college.

All this rambling is to say that I have let the house run away without me. I have no control over the contents. The S.T.U.F.F. (from Flylady: Stuff That Undermines Family Fun) has taken over, multiplied like so many bunnies, and I am feeling crushed.

Today is the day. Today is another day in which I spend a minimum of 15 uninterrupted minutes cleaning ONE area. Dishes, probably. Sadly, Laundry and Dishes are my go-to chores. The first things I do, until I get tired and give up. I also have a goal of emptying one box. Open it, decide where things go and put them there, fold box flat and take it to my friend who is packing her home to move. Trash things... Donate things... Clean things... Find purpose or love in every THING I keep.

Psalm 118:24 (English Standard Version)

This is the day that the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

So, Today is The Day.

Today is the day that I stop worrying about what others think.
Today is the day that I give up hounding myself over chores undone.
Today is the day that I allow myself to make mistakes, and be fine with that.
Today is the day that I write again.
Today is the day that I think again.
Today is the day that I water the plants. Hey, I have plants... that have survived me for over a year!
Today is the day that I stop allowing the rabbit trails to distract me.

Today is the day that I thank God for every thing I have, all I can do.
Today is the day that I expect great things from God.

Safe, Sassy and Silly

I feel like I apologize every time I post. I have not been blogging enough, and I wonder if people even notice, because the hints to write have not come as often as I expected. I do keep up with many of my blogger buddies on Facebook. While it isn't the same, it is more instant, and easier for me.

I have to say for the benefit of my panicked friends, there were tornadoes here in OKC on Tuesday afternoon. My house didn't even get so much as ONE hailstone. Which is good. I could see the storm, to my west, and moving to the north. I have a friend in radio who recorded the storm from his back porch on a cell phone video. It was spectacular. (God is so big!) We are fine, and all our church family and friends are fine. I don't even know anyone who got wind damage or debris thrown at their house.

Thank you to all the friends who checked on me via phone and Facebook. We are not harmed by the tornado, and I value your good thoughts, prayers and well wishes. You are so very important to me. I don't get to say it often, but I should do so more.

My Bro is getting married. This is a little odd. I never even asked what he thought of me saying yes when DH proposed. I was so excited, I didn't think about the family opinions. I don't really know much about Future SIL. I know that she is nice, and pretty, and has Bro's heart. She thinks about Mom and Bro, and not just herself. (The past is behind us...) I have decided that she is good for Bro. In the past, with other girlfriends, I have wondered if Bro was settling. This time, I see that he has THE one. I can't argue with that. I am blessed that he found someone that I can be friends with. I would hate to hurt him by feuding with his wife. I don't see that being a problem here. And we are blessed.

Bro has been happy to plan the wedding according to Future SIL's wishes. I don't even know where the actual ceremony is going to be held. The wedding (and our vacation around it) will be held in Las Vegas, NV. We just got our tax refund in the direct deposit today... so the trip will be nice. We won't be gambling the money away, but we won't be forced to eat $1 hot dogs from the corner stand all week, either. We might even get to take in a show, thanks to this windfall.

Now I am going to have two sisters in law. SIL 1 and 2? Like Thing 1 and Thing 2 in Dr. Seuss books. This makes me laugh. I will have to think of a way to note the difference here on Blogger, so that you can know which SIL I speak of when I randomly mention life events.

DH and I are making a concerted effort to buy a home. We have picked the home, and chosen the Realtor who will guide and help us on the way. I need your prayers on the matter... I am scared. It is a good nervous fear, not the bad "I shouldn't be doing this" fear. I just don't want the fear to cripple me. We are committing to a Mortgage, when the economy and loan process are in the toilet. If one can afford it, now is the time to buy, while the rates are low and sellers are desperate to get out of their overpriced homes. This one is not overpriced, in fact the seller wants to let it go for around $15,000 less than the estimated value of the home. I will post more as we progress.

One last thing....Funny Friday.

Quotes from my Wednesday night Women's Class:
1. What good is having faith if you do not use it?
2. God is gonna be up; there is no sense to me losing sleep over my problems. I am going to bed.
3. Are there any prayer requests? "I have a plethora." (First thought in my head: Do you KNOW what a Plethora is??? We have a lot of fun in Wednesday night class!)

Have a great Valentine's Day!

Personal Foul On The Offense, Five Yard Penalty, Repeat The Down!

Fall has begun dropping her leaves, and DH leaves me on Friday evenings for his Football radio show. My hopes of a Friday night date are crushed for 12 weeks every fall. This year, he got a raise for this part-time fun gig, and he even gets a week off so that we can go to a wedding. This is year number 11. Yes, he has been doing this since before we got engaged. So, I should probably not complain, as I knew this was coming.

I have a little wooden sign that says "we interrupt this marriage for Football Season!", and it is kinda true. Not only do I have to ignore the fantasy leagues, I have to find things to do on my own once a week. (Yeah, that is so hard, let me tell you. Lots of reading goes on in these 12 weeks.) I remember the guys that were doing this in the beginning announced our engagement the weekend after it happened, and our wedding the next year. The whole state knew we were attached. The on-air talent has changed, and the method of recording reports from guys who were at the games has gone computerized, but the fun is still there. I no longer go with DH (I did go with him the first 2 or 3 years), because this is his thing, and I really belive that he needs a few things that are his alone.

Tonight, I was planning to sit at home and write a post, not unlike this one. Then I got an invitation to be with friends this evening, and I jumped at the chance. I drove to meet them at a restaurant that had been recommended to them, and it was in between our homes.

I don't usually write about my dining experiences. They usually aren't terribly exciting, or excitingly terrible. Tonight, however, was a new low.

I bet my wonderful friends would have paid for me if I hadn't taken it upon myself to tell the waitress we were dutch. I didn't get an argument from them, but I didn't want to assume anything. We all ordered our drinks. When she came back, we ordered our food, and my friends ordered an appetizer to share for the table. The appetizer came. Before our drinks. That, I think, was the highlight of our evening. The appetizer was chips and queso and salsa. The salsa was a thick tomato, with cumin in it. It was hot enough to be interesting, but not painful. Jody called it a spaghetti sauce with cumin; I suppose he wasn't impressed. The cheese was good. The chips were fresh, though quite a few of them were soft and greasy.

The food, once it showed up, was all lukewarm to cold. That was good for Belle, who is two, and needed her screaming hot chicken tenders cooled, but it was kinda queasy for the rest of us. We had to ask three times to get the five extra napkins we got. (notice we had a two year old at the table) Jody sent his food back, because he rightfully expected hot brisket and ribs. I had a burger that was insulated by green chiles, two cheeses and a slightly toasted bun. It was a little more pink than I prefer, but I wasn't going to be trouble for the situation. I try to be congenial, but sometimes the patience is tested.

So the service wasn't that great. The food wasn't great. The whole experience was mediocre. Good friends, good company. All in all, it was a fun trip, and a learning experience. We won't be eating at that location (2nd Street in Edmond) of Steve's Rib again anytime soon. Next time Jody wants BBQ, I am going to insist on Swadley's. Or Earl's Rib Palace.

When I came home, I thought it was a cat that was at the end of my driveway. It was kinda silvery, and it cringed, and ran back up toward the house. Then, I saw it's tail. It was an opossum in my driveway. Poor thing must have thought I was chasing it with my car. It ran all the way up the driveway, and through one of the gates to get into our backyard (or maybe the neighbor's yard, as the gates are side by side). No wonder the dogs in the area go bonkers at random times. There are squirrels, rabbits, and now opossums in my yard, and a fence to keep the dogs out.

I have been busy this week with loafing around. In this case, it would have been better if that meant I was making bread. Nope. Just sitting here, trying not to get sick (drank too much milk this week), and doing as little real work as I can get away with. I have joined Facebook, but I like Blogger better so far. But, hey, I can keep up superficially with so many more people now. I have tracked down a few people from my high school, and I have discovered a few shorter degrees of separation among my friends.

Please pray for my mom. Her doctors are not telling her all she needs to know about her kidney issues. She is pretty irritated with them right now. She will start on dialysis at the beginning of October, and is on a list to get a machine of some sort. I don't know much about it yet, but I am going to learn as much as I can, and hopefully share information she hasn't been given yet.

I wish sometimes that I could win the lottery like Earl on TV... I would pay for Mom and Dad to move wherever she needed to be, most likely closer to me. I would make sure that Dad could retire comfortably, and they could finish traveling to all the states... Mom still has to see Florida and Alaska. And I would bring a lawsuit to end all lawsuits against the doctors who are helping her suffer by not sharing what she needs to know about her condition. I know in my head that it wouldn't help, but in my heart I know that getting them put out of business might actually save lives. I want my Mom out of the small town that doesn't know what to do with her. I want her in a place where I can be the bully she needs on her side...I just want to be close to my family. This living a long day's drive away is really bothering me right now.

Jody's wife Lisa told me she was a Nervous Nancy, and she wasn't going to sleep well tonight, worrying over her family in the path of Hurricane Ike. I have family in his path as well, and I understand her totally. She was a sweetie and walked me to my car (as any good mother/Nervous Nancy would do) after our dinner. I think we were all ready to go home after our unsatisfying meal.

Home is a nice place to be. Even if the animals are trying to take over.

This Dream Was Played In Technicolor Brilliance

I never sleep well when the weather changes quickly. I can sleep through an ambulance blaring past my window, a lot of neighborhood dogs barking, and any alarm clock ever made. I cannot sleep through wind without rain, a male speaking my name, or a ringing telephone. This morning, rainclouds moved in. I had no sunshine to remind me to get up. I had the soft sounds of "rain on the plain" to keep me in my slumber. This morning, I could not sleep through to the end of my dream. I awoke with a terrible backache. Serves me right for stressing in my sleep, I guess.

Let me set the stage. It was a not yet dark, and kinda stormy night. The "gangstas" were all out, and trouble brewed a palpable haze over the city. My friend was having a birthday. I went to a Wal-Mart to get her a card.

I had gone shopping downtown (anyone who knows me knows that I avoid downtown like the plague, so here we have fiction) to get a birthday card for my friend, and look at gifts, too. It started raining outside, and then inside (great neighborhood, let me tell ya). I had several blocks to walk, and a couple of turns to get back to my car. Here is where the stress builds, the music does the Dunnn-dun-duh that tells you not to go where you are going. I couldn't find my car. I couldn't remember which car I had driven there. I couldn't remember where I parked. I was searching the streets for one silver Chevy Malibu or one silver-blue Honda Fit. Yep, my dreams are at least up to date.

So, for the next three or so imagined hours, I am carrying two bags from my shopping, searching for one of my two cars. I casually stood in a line (I suppose to get into the dance club I was walking past) and ended up walking/riding in a car with three gang members. I was afraid to say much, because they might kill me. We walked or rode past a lot of fights. Viscious children. I watched them steal another car (a trap, but that is because I saw the guy who owned the car waiting for them to take it, so he could call the cops). I refused to ride in that one.

In the end, I remember one really creepy detail, and I am right now copyrighting this dream, so don't get any ideas about using it, OK? And, for My First Nicki Friend in parts East, you may want to stop reading this post now. Trust me. No more. Go back and read another post, find one about the Niecephews. You will regret it if you read further. Just warning you. It creeped me out, and I am the one who imagined it. OK, now that we have that cleared up and Nicki is still reading just for curiosity's sake...

One of the male gang members (There were three, one girl, two guys) tossed a spider at me, to test me. I remember it was dark brown and kinda scary looking. I somehow caught it in the hood of my jacket, and tossed it back at him, with a snide remark. That would have been clever of me. But... he was starting to talk when I flicked the spider, and it went in his mouth. (I will wait while everyone screams, cringes, and generally wonders if I have lost my marbles.) I was too grossed out to finish that thought, even in the dream. Ugh. The next scene is me asking where a park is, because that is near where I knew I parked the car.

This incomplete thought brought to you without commercial interruption by the Mind of Chelf, Nighttime Edition. It is completely fiction, because she would never shop downtown (where there isn't a Wal-Mart handy) and she would never go in the dark to a dangerous area BY HERSELF, and then simply "forget" where her car is. The moral of the story is this: Don't shop last minute for a card. It might get you killed, in dreams and in the real world. You really can never know.

I hear that if you dream your death, you really die. That sounds too scary to suggest to the Mythbusters. I wouldn't want them to try it, because there is really no safe way to test it, and no way to be certain. Who would say that, anyway? Did they (the mysterious "they" everything gets blamed on... and who are "they", really?) get revived from a death-dream to tell us that they dreamed it?

So, there you have it. I have creepy dreams that don't seem to mean much. I have aspirations that are tough and time consuming. I have lots of things I am capable of, but don't know how to start. So, I need to apparently write for some horror film now. I could make money, if I tried. I could write my dreams into horror movies; I could build a purse that actually holds stuff without being too big or heavy to begin with; I could name a few Ty Brand (Should that have the little TM symbol near it? I don't know how to do that with a keyboard.) Beanie Babies. My personal favorite fantasy future jobs are these: I could do voices for cartoon movies, probably with PIXAR/Disney (mostly because it is PIXAR, not because it is Disney); I could proofread for publishing houses back east by telecommuting (first reader has also been suggested to me); I could write.

I am not really awake yet, even half an hour later. I am not a morning person. The fact that I remembered this much of the dream, and communicated it in a mostly coherent fashion is some serious morning mojo I am not used to.

I am off to make something warm to drink. Beware to any little buggie that tries to cross my path today. The adrenaline and fear are still in me.

How was your weekend?