Why Would You Have Been Worried?

I haven't been doing so well in the past few months.

We have had several issues in life, and the depression has kept me in a sort of hibernation for my own protection. 2010 stole my parents. 2011 we lost DH's grandmother (the last living grandparent he had), and had our home burglarized (they stole the best of mom's jewelry, that I hadn't even had for a year!). 2012 we lost my grandmother (my last living grandparent). My Bro and Sis had a still-born son. Then we had a hail storm that damaged our roof and two cars. In the past two months, we have lost three church friends to age and illness. I have two girlfriends separating from their husbands.

I feel like there is a big backpack full of rocks and bricks and bowling balls on my shoulders. It holds me back, pulls me down, and generally makes my life miserable.

I am amazed at how well I have held up, if you want to know the truth of the matter. I don't know why I haven't just hit the loony bin door in a white coat that helps me hug myself. The bad has been offset by good, but honestly, I haven't noticed it much. Do you ever feel that way? I notice that when the bad comes, the enemy likes to lie to me, and tell me that no good will come of it. I had quit watching for good. I had quit watching for God in all things.

I have gotten back into walking several times a week with Roadrunner again, which helps my mood. We talk about all sorts of subjects and sweat away the stress. Lately, I have been wondering if I need iron or caffeine, as our walks tend to wipe me out for the rest of the day. Today, I did a lot of grocery shopping. I accomplish much, but feel like a failure when I walk in my door and see all the accumulation of junk and dirt and dirty things that I haven't the gumption to clean/sort/trash.

Apparently, I need to mind my own advice to others. "Don't be so hard on yourself." I am a strict taskmaster. And perfectionist. And procrastinator. And judge and jury at my own trial. I gave myself my own conviction. Guilty! And that is enough of that.

My lovely friend Court had her healthy baby girl. I have yet to visit, but I am hoping to do that soon. My lovely friend Desi had a beautiful baby girl, as well. Through all the mayhem in my life, God has sent me some sweet pictures to remind me that HE is still alive, and helps us to keep living, daily.

Several people have come to me at church, saying that they notice that I have lost weight. MEN have spoken these words to me. Therefore, the walking is working. I don't notice weight loss, because I don't stand on the scale often, and I stare at the reflection every day and criticize it. I had noticed that I have rearranged where stuff sits, and I had to buy new SMALLER jeans to fit the new shape. Officially, I have lost almost 25 lbs from my highest weight ever, which was three and a half years ago. Small changes, adding exercise, removing junk food (to an extent), eating less in general at almost every meal, and keeping a food journal have helped in the process.

I am by no means "healthy" yet. I still let the depression take over sometimes. I have also tried to remember that each day is a gift and I should be grateful for the many gifts I have been given, and I should share them with joy.

I have purchased a few things that have helped me on my journey. Journal. Magnetic jewelry (I got it because it was pretty, and don't notice good or bad effects from it). Supplements that help my insides function properly.

I have NOT purchased a few things that I dearly desired, simply because I have no need of them in my clutter piles. There are books, movies and music that have stayed on the shelves at stores. I am learning to ask myself the Fly Lady questions: Will this bless my home? Do I love it? Can it bless me more if it goes to another home? Is this valuable? Can it be used by someone else to bless their home? Using these questions and her patterns of cleaning, I have filled three trash carts in the past two weeks. I have donated clothing to the local Goodwill. Over the past few years, I have taken several car loads of clothing that we no longer wear to Goodwill, as well.

Some of what was stolen has been replaced. Most of it was personal and emotional, original and irreplaceable. I don't think I can ever get back the most valuable thing they took, my naive notion that I was safe here. My mind says, "It was only S.T.U.F.F." (Stuff That Undermines Family Fun), and I don't need it." but my heart says, "They stole my mom when they stole the Family Ring."

I have to learn to live in this world of evil, and I have more to learn from my parents about how to handle evil with Jesus. I miss them fiercely.

I will be okay. It is just going to take a while longer than I thought. I have decided that is good. As long as I am working to improve, I am moving in the correct direction.

Today Is The Day

Today is the day that I get up before 10, because I have things to do.
Today is the day that I find the smell in the kitchen, and clean it.
Today is the day that I do all the laundry in the house, and get it folded and put away.
Today is the day that I clean the living room, and set up the couch pieces that currently reside in the garage.
Today is the day that I call a service to clear trees in my back yard, trim/remove bushes in the front yard, and get some sod to resurface the yard.
Today is the day that I find a tile guy to redecorate the bath. Maybe he can frame the garage door on the side of the house, too.
Today is the day I stop wasting money on the gym I never bother to go to anymore.
Today is the day that I blog again.
Today is the day that I finally start up my novel.... again.
Today is the day that I stop eating for two, even though I am not pregnant.
Today is the day that I allow myself to say NO when someone asks me to do something I am not really wanting to do.
Today is the day that I stop making lists, and start working.

I think about many of these things every morning. And I get up out of bed. And I sit down in my spot on the couch, and open the computer. And it is then that I realize my addiction. I haven't blogged for MONTHS, I haven't cleaned beyond what is necessary to live, I haven't done much of anything! I have stared at Facebook. Whew! Need to stop that now.

This blog post will probably be posted to Facebook, as well. Why? Because I am that addicted.

In my professional life, I have almost always had a clean desk. It may be stacked with work, but I can always find the random piece for someone else. In my personal life, I can't say anything about organized. I have never had a good routine at home. I noticed that when I worked outside the home, the home was cleaner. I had to keep a routine!

When I was a child, our home was always cluttered. Mom and Dad both were pack rats in their own ways. Mom was a Collector, and I have that strong gene in me. I want this thing because it will match/coordinate with X, Y and Z at home. Dad was the Insulator, the one who said, "This is useful, and if I throw it out, I will need it tomorrow. I can fix that." Mom had Coca-Cola memorabilia all over the house, and a collection of lighthouses, and the collection of videos. The list grows larger every time I see what I brought home from her house. I have cookbooks, and books of every other sort. I have Precious Moments figurines, and things I have collected over the years since I left home. I also have broken computers, and parts to things I don't even remember a use for.

I can remember a time when my room was the cleanest in the house. It was a very short time. And probably right before I left for college.

All this rambling is to say that I have let the house run away without me. I have no control over the contents. The S.T.U.F.F. (from Flylady: Stuff That Undermines Family Fun) has taken over, multiplied like so many bunnies, and I am feeling crushed.

Today is the day. Today is another day in which I spend a minimum of 15 uninterrupted minutes cleaning ONE area. Dishes, probably. Sadly, Laundry and Dishes are my go-to chores. The first things I do, until I get tired and give up. I also have a goal of emptying one box. Open it, decide where things go and put them there, fold box flat and take it to my friend who is packing her home to move. Trash things... Donate things... Clean things... Find purpose or love in every THING I keep.

Psalm 118:24 (English Standard Version)

This is the day that the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

So, Today is The Day.

Today is the day that I stop worrying about what others think.
Today is the day that I give up hounding myself over chores undone.
Today is the day that I allow myself to make mistakes, and be fine with that.
Today is the day that I write again.
Today is the day that I think again.
Today is the day that I water the plants. Hey, I have plants... that have survived me for over a year!
Today is the day that I stop allowing the rabbit trails to distract me.

Today is the day that I thank God for every thing I have, all I can do.
Today is the day that I expect great things from God.

Snake Eyes, I Lose; Lucky Seven, God Wins

So I wrote my post about a Garden... and started it overnight, like I do many of these posts. I scheduled it to post the next day, June 1, 2010.

You know, LIFE is a gamble. We roll the dice, and get surprises all the time. Having babies, finding THE ONE to spend it all with, death, taxes... all have a way of just showing up when you least expect them, and whether you want them or not.

The surprise for me for June 1 was that my Dad died.

Yes, four months after my Mom passed away.

Yes, I was, to say the least, devastated.

I am still fighting the depression. I am still struggling to understand it all. I am not in a good place these days. But... I went back and read the entry after Mom died. I really do know who my friends are. I really know they are still around. I really know that I have no clue what life will bring next, tomorrow, or eventually.

I really know that my parents were certain that I was going to be OK. Maybe not today, probably not tomorrow, but soon enough, and for a long time. They raised me to be strong, self-sufficient, and persevering. They raised me to care, so they knew this would not be easy.

Dad died of Stage 4 Renal (Kidney) Cancer... and heart failure due to the fluid building up around his heart and lungs. That fluid was more cancer, trying to take over. When they found him, collapsed in the hospital room, they tried to revive him. Three doctors tried CPR. His body had given up the fight... and I am pretty certain his spirit had lost the will to live. His "fight" died with Mom. Sis said that when she and Bro went to go identify his body (uh, really?), that he had a smile on his face... an amazingly happy smile, that they had not seen in months. I think he knew where he was going, and that Mom was waiting there for him.

I never had any doubt that if there is a heaven (like I believe there is) and if any human has any chance of going there (I believe that Jesus gives us that chance), then my parents were going there. Others have told me they thought the same. My parents believed, and used every moment to live out that belief. They shared their meager blessings with any in need, even when it meant not eating as much for dinner that night. Dad fixed stuff. He tinkered around and found new life in things like cars, refrigerators and washing machines. Mom taught children for many years, and only retired when her lack of health forced her to. They showed Jesus to everyone they came in contact with. Their lives were bold and unashamed, yet simple and sparing.

We had a Memorial Service for Dad on June 26. I made it very clear to the officiant that there was to be no preaching. Mom's memorial was too "come to Jesus" for my taste. I don't think she wanted a church service, she would have preferred a good old-fashioned "singing". So we modified Dad's service to be more fun, more stories about him, and less "churchy". There were scriptures read, and there were a few preachy thoughts, but they were balanced, and not a "final call" for those in attendance. It made his brother laugh, which made me very happy.

Dad was a simple man, but never stupid. He learned all he could about everything. He knew amazing amounts of trivia, but could still talk to a child. He knew much about the Bible and the church, and could discuss the most in-depth meat-and-potatoes subjects, but he also knew the milk basics. He had very little tolerance for the milquetoast mediocrity that so many people have these days. He had an amazing vocabulary, and often used my spelling words within a week of my getting them when I was a child. I learned from him, and not from school or even Sunday School, the meanings of words like "usurp", "delineate" and "propitiation".

Dad used his knowledge of the medical field, that he gained in Vietnam, to help Mom. When she had toes removed, he learned how to dress her wounds. This meant that the nurse, who would have to visit other patients on a daily basis, could come just once a week to clean and measure and check the wounds. Dad was always very careful with Mom, and precise about her medications. He built his own graph to track her blood sugar and pressure levels, and what medicines he gave her.

I knew my Dad had preached a few times. He had notes from several of those lessons. I suppose I could ask the church for recordings, if I got brave enough to listen to them. One of the note papers had a kite design on the back. Dad was always doodling. He enjoyed kites, and designed his own box kite. He was pretty impressed with himself, until he found a book with a picture of his kite on the front of it. He hadn't known that others had designed this style of kite before him.

He also designed and printed his own targets for his shooting. Dad was an excellent marksman, and was always learning more about being a gunsmith. His hobby was to buy old military surplus, or antiques, and shine them up, and reload ammo for them. He had black powder rifles, and BB guns. He had rubber-band repeat shooters, and dart guns and even a crossbow. He built his own stocks for barrels he had, and taught my Bro and me how to use, clean and respect firearms. He was mindful of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, and how it protected the First.

Mom had never met a stranger, they were all just friends she was not yet acquainted with. Dad had never enjoyed crowds, but tolerated them for Mom's sake. After she died, he was very quick to say, "I am done now. Goodnight." and leave. Abruptly. And I think that is how he ended his life, as well.

Bro and I followed through with Dad's wishes to be cremated, like Mom was. We decided that we never thought of them as separate, but together. Their marriage really was a unity. So, we had their ashes mixed together, and then split in half, so each of us could do what we wished with the remains. My portion of Mom and Dad still sit in the box in the pretty felt bag I got from the funeral home in NM. Sis bought a beautiful box to put the remains in... and I will move them... eventually. I have offered part of my half to Mom's two sisters, if they wish to scatter some of the ashes in some special place that means something to them.

All in all, this year has been horrible. And wonderful. Yes, I lost both my parents, rather unexpectedly. But I have found parts of myself that had formerly lay dormant inside. I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I have positive outlooks where once only depression lived. I have deeper friendships, and pals who are closer now. I have recently come out of the fog.

The sunshine hurts my eyes, but my skin is soaking up the vitamins. The important things and people in my life are more precious. The less important and downright unnecessary are gradually removing themselves from my space. I can move now (I joined Curves with a friend to add motion to my weeks), where all I did for months was sit and stew in my misery. I can breathe. There is still a weight on my shoulders, but it gets easier to lift every day.

It isn't easy. Mother's Day and Mom's Birthday (she would have been 65) came and went, and I was a mess. Father's Day and my parents' Anniversary (this would have been 40 years) came and went, and I pretended I wasn't a mess. But I was. I still have to face Dad's Birthday (he was going to be 63 this year), and hear all the comments about how I am "too young to face this". I have to think that they died too young, but they had full, rich lives filled with faith, family, and fun. I know people who lost their parents when they were teens... THAT is too young. I don't feel too young at 36. I wasn't ready, but I don't know that anyone can be really ready for this.

My big "regret", if I ever were to hold those, is that I never got the opportunity to give them grandchildren. Infertility sucks when you desperately want a child. Mom had pretty much decided that she would never get any grandchildren. I don't know which hurt more, knowing I couldn't give her what she wanted, or that she had resigned the wanting. Either way, if I ever do have any children now, they will never get to know my parents. And that will be a deficit for my kids, because my parents were awesome people.

From the day they met to the day they married: 4 months.
From the day she died to the day he died: 4 months.

I really believe this is no accident.

This weekend is one year since I squashed grapes, and blogged about it. I believe that it is no accident that I should feel the need to blog now. I got a bottle of the Chateau L'Feet, and pondered the spiritual applications of wine. I was thinking about God, and what it meant to share these thoughts with you. And I think that maybe this blogging thing can come back to me. Slowly. Don't go expecting a new entry every day, or even every week. But please keep checking in on me. I am working on making my life as much of a testimony as my parents gave.

My friend Laura Speaker shared that her family philosophy about death is this: When we go to the garden and pick flowers for our table, we pick the most beautiful, the most vibrant flowers. The ones that end up as our centerpiece are at their peak of bloom, color and scent. Why do we expect God to do any less? The best, brightest and most beautiful flowers in His creation are the ones he picks to come home first. They get to set the table for the rest of us. That table is going to be the most welcoming thing about Heaven.

When I go, I want to have a smile on my face in the last moments. I want people to sing a few songs, bring a few flowers and remember that I tried.

Oh, and make sure to pour a glass of wine. Cheers!

Chateau L'Feet, Vintage 2009, Baby Toes. White Wine. "And I helped!"

Last year, I went to Tres Suenos Winery, and harvested and stomped grapes. This weekend, I got the bottle of that wine.

They call it Chateau L'Feet. Yes, we stomped a few gallons of grapes in the bottom of a 50 gallon drum. I call it Baby Toes, because of a little boy, who was fine stomping, until he realized that he was IN a 50 gallon drum. And it was taller than he was, and he couldn't see anything but grapes and mommy's knees. He started screaming, so they took him out of the drum. He stomped all the way up the side, still having fun, I think, but just a little scared with claustrophobia in the drum. Who can blame his cute little toes? Not me.

"You aren't gonna drink that, are you?" several people asked. Some of them were grossed out by the thought, as if the fact that my feet, and the feet of many others touched those grapes, and it might taste of feet. Some of them were sounding wistful, as if they would take it and drink it if I didn't want it. The idea is the same. Did I have plans to just let the bottle sit some more, or was I planning to drink it?

I honestly don't know yet. I was planning on drinking it. The BOTTLE is what is important to me. The label has MY NAME on it. This wine was helped by ME, and the bottle was labeled just for ME. The bottle will end up as a centerpiece on a shelf of my bottle collection. I think it would be a dirty shame NOT to drink the wine I helped create. A full bottle of wine is heavy, and the shelf will be heavy enough with all those glass bottles on it.

I pondered God last year, about vines and the vinedresser, and the harvest and how it all was used as a "flannelgram" to teach the church about God's care for His people. This year, I ponder the wine. The waiting. The Becoming.

I wonder how wine was made in Bible times. Didn't they generally squish the grapes by walking in them? Doesn't the age and the fermentation take care of whatever icky stuff was hanging on? Basically, the fact that it is alcohol should kill any germs from any feet in the grapes, right?

When Jesus turned water into wine, I have to believe it was good stuff. The host of the party said it was good, and he wondered why the best stuff was saved for the end of the party. Seems they usually served good stuff to get you happily drunk, and then switched to the cheap stuff, because after you are drunk, you really don't care what you drink, as long as the glasses keep getting filled. Having never been drunk, I have no idea if this is so. I just know what I like, and usually wine isn't it.

The winemakers are a family of God-believing people. They are genuinely nice. They treat their growers with courtesy and respect. They follow the laws of the land, and check the I.D.'s provided by their visitors. They have a fair business, and they make impressive wines, award winning wines. I didn't realize how much I liked sweet wines until I tasted the dry wines they offer. (Ugh. Dry is just too tart for me.) And I didn't ever think I would have a "favorite" wine, knowing how much I detest grape juice in general. Some days, getting through communion on Sunday is tough. And that is one thimble full of Welch's 100% Grape. Usually purple, Concord grape juice. And more often than not, on the verge of being wine (or maybe vinegar is a closer description). Yuck.

Whenever this might happen, I do plan to drink the wine. I might even share a little with Jeff, if he is brave enough to try it. The empty bottle will be my prize. I missed this year, because I checked into it too late. Next year, I plan to do this at least once, maybe twice. I plan to get more bottles of Chateau L'Feet, maybe in RED next time!

This year has been a crazy, tumultuous, lost and even blessed sort of year. All this time, that wine was in a cask, and then in the bottle. Sitting. Waiting. Fermenting. Becoming.

How can it be good if I do not taste it? Consuming the wine seems to be the POINT of it all.

I think this year has been some fire, refining me like gold. This year has not been the calm waiting on God, like the wine. Maybe the coming year will be calm, like the fermentation hold. But then, fermenting is a process, and I bet the chemical transformation is anything but calm. Maybe I HAVE been the wine. I have gone through a transformation, and I will never be the same. A little more tart, a little more rich, a little more depth to my "character". A little fruity note, a little spicy note... some time spent in the cool of the cask, some time squeezed into the smaller space of a bottle.

All the while wondering... Who will find me? Who will taste, and see that the Lord is good? Who will appreciate my more subtle qualities? Will I be the bottle that has had feet in it? (I certainly felt stomped this year!) Has this process cleansed my impurities? Am I sweeter for the time spent, or am I a dry finish?

I don't know all the answers. I know the ONE who holds the answers, and He hasn't really been sharing them with me. I guess I get to do what my Dad always told me to do: Hide and Watch. So, I hide in the shadow of the wings of the Most High, and I watch to see what becomes of me. I am fermenting. I am being enriched by the waiting. I am Becoming a fine wine from the Lord's vineyard.

How SWEET its that?

Pondering A Garden

While thinking about the possibility of gardening, I have thought a lot about God. I am sure this is no surprise to anyone who has a garden, but for those of us who have no idea how to garden, this is a big deal. I Corinthians 3:6: "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow." I know this verse is referring to the Gospel being shared and churches being "planted", but I think it fits here, too. I may plant the seed, and Jeff may water, but God will make it grow.

My first thought is that God placed us in a garden. Adam and Eve had every kind of fruit, veggie and flower to tend. This makes me wonder if there is something built into us that makes us want to garden. Is there some desire to work to make things grow? I am fascinated by watching God give life to a little seed, and give me plants to eat. Much like watching a baby grow, I can't help but wonder at the awesome God we serve.

Second, I have realized how much I dislike heat. After the fall, God told Adam that he would eat "by the sweat of his brow". This "sweat" is minor to the burn of the sun that my skin is so quick to inflict upon me. I don't know how to keep plants alive. My mother drowned a cactus, because she didn't realize that one should only water it when it is raining in the desert. The only plants she ever managed to keep alive were the parachute fern and the bamboo.

Third, I have decided that I am late to the game. I should not try to plant now, as the season for planting is far past. My goal this year is to clear the area, and turn the soil. If I enrich it now, it will be ready for next year's planting. Gardening takes more than just putting a seed on the ground. It takes WORK (I have decided I am allergic to this "work" stuff...), and planning and determination. I have to decide what veggies to plant, and which plants can help others to grow bigger, sweeter, or more fruitful. I don't want to plant only tomatoes. I want squash, lettuce, carrots, corn, cucumbers... and I want to work on the roses I have discovered in my yard!

Fourth, and final for this note, I have to get dirty. Removing weeds is hard work, and messy. I have to turn up the dirt to allow in more air, water and sun, so that the plants I desire have plenty of those and room to grow. If I want to keep a pretty manicure, I do not need to bother to garden. If I want my table full of locally grown fresh fruits and veggies, I need to get down and dirty in the garden.

Top Reasons I Won't Have A Credit Card

This is a news article I saw on my local television affiliate.
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NH man swipes debit card for smokes, charged 23 quadrillion dollars (plus $15 overdraft fee)

By Associated Press

9:05 AM CDT, July 15, 2009
MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) — A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.

Josh Muszynski (Moo-SIN'-ski) checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number — a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

Muszynski says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.

The bank corrected the error the next day.

Bank of America tells WMUR-TV only the card issuer, Visa, could answer questions. Visa, in turn, referred questions to the bank.
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Information from: WMUR-TV, http://wmur.com
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Thursday Thirteen
"Reasons I Won't Have A Credit Card" and "Why I Think This Is Funny"

1. This was a DEBIT card, so I am still at risk.

2. 1% of this bill is more than four times the National Debt. (To copy the media, "That is QUADRILLION, with a Q!" Imagine the perky blonde anchor making you feel stupid, because you couldn't have heard it the first time.) I can live happily on that kind of money. The bank can never have enough.

3. Bank of America, the man's personal bank, is the bank known to give accounts to Undocumented Illegal Immigrants... I suppose they have to make up for that in some small fashion. I hope they don't think this is SMALL fashion.

4. I am sure that the numbers are meaningless..... no SSN or PIN in there. (Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!)

5. One of my friends on Facebook commented that the average daily balance would yield an interest charge that could be "ugly". They are allowed to be around 30%, especially if you are overdrawn.

6. How many people didn't get charged for their transactions that day, due to the keying error? I wouldn't want to be that person!

7. Cash Is King! Check out Dave Ramsey, and learn to survive without plastic. This is not a paid advertisement, just a personal testimony. I am not completely debt free, but imagine that as a goal! Now imagine that as a lifestyle!

8. I know that smoking kills you, but I thought it was for actually smoking! I am excited knowing that the guy is still alive after the SHOCK of seeing that bill.

9. Jesus said that our hearts are tied to our treasures. Junk purchased with plastic and debt are not treasures, but our hearts sit there with it anyway.

10. Nothing in the world like the Bank of America and Visa pointing fingers at each other. Poor guy had that balance on his personal checking account for a whole day, and nobody wanted to help him fix the problem.

11. The banks don't keep records better than I do. They can't! I am a perfectionist about accounting. I can't afford to let a penny slip by unaccounted for. I can't afford to write off mistakes. I can count!

12. Banks are really good at sticking you with fees when you really do overdraw... by a penny or two. Shouldn't they PAY you when the mistake is THEIRS?

13. Even Bakers know how to give a little extra to get a lot of loyalty. Banks could learn from this generous practice.

Blessings to you, more than money.

The Universe Has A Warped Sense Of Humor!

The car I got from Enterprise (paid for by the other guy's insurance) is a newer version of the car that hit me! Yes, I was assigned a 2009 Nissan Altima. The car that hit me was a 1995 model. This is a black car. I would never own a black car, not on purpose. Not in Oklahoma. The temperatures this week are supposed to be over 90 all week. With the 60% humidity and more, the temperatures are way too hot to have such a big dark car.

It is a smooth ride, turns soft like butter! Lots of fun cubbies to explore, way too many cup holders, and useless gauges to distract my attention while driving. I like knowing that there is a cruise control. But the first time I pushed the button to turn it on, I accidentally honked the horn. In fact, I honked three times before I realized that I was the one honking. I spent probably 10 minutes just adjusting the car to me, and making sure I could reach what I needed to reach. Can't damage the car right in front of the rental office, you know?

Zipper got stretched only, and is back home as of late last night. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. The next appointment in about 6 months will be the rod replacement surgery, provided she does not break them before that. She was showing Daddy the ropes this time, since he has not been there for a stretch before. Apparently, she was angelic for Daddy. He got to see the rare happy side of a girl on the edge. I have not heard how much she grew with being straightened out. Now we just need to get some more fat on her bones to cushion her.

I have been trying to trim our budget recently. Our house related expenses went up a little when we bought this house. So I am trying to cut back on brand name things. I went to Aldi. This grocery store has good prices on food that is not name brand. I decided to try their milk, since it was so much cheaper than others. Big mistake. This stuff tasted like colored water. I used to get 2% milk that tasted better. Mystic, who usually loves drinking milk after my cereal is gone, turned her nose up at it. That sealed the decision. I have decided to not skimp on milk. I am going back to Braum's. I found a store that has the 1/2 gallon for $0.20 less than the store near DH's work. For as little milk as I use, I can pay a little more for the good stuff.

I am off to clean again. Since I know your prayers work... please pray that I don't get bogged down by the work it will take to get my new home looking the way I want it. I can't imagine how to decorate anything, because I can't see past the junk I have in the way. If I can move my pride and junk out of the way, my home can be a more open place to share the hospitality I have in my heart. I know this goal is not so lofty that it can't be met. I know I can finally have a clean home, with God's help and yours. Thanks!

Be blessed today!

I'm Not A Tool... I'm An Instrument!

I interrupt myself in the posts about Vegas to bring you a very good thought. My friend Rick Rossing penned this ponder on his Facebook account, and I got permission to reprint it. I did a copy/paste, and didn't change a thing, title and all.

Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~
During a Bible class, we were reading the passage in Acts 9:15 where Jesus says that Paul is his chosen instrument, and someone commented that Paul was a tool. I didn't like the concept, and I've been mulling it over ever since.

It is never a compliment to be called a tool, at least not in my experience. A tool is a person who is useful enough at what he does, but is only being used. He might not even be aware that he is not admired so much as tolerated. Like a hammer, he's used for whatever task he's needed for, then tossed carelessly back into the box with all the other tools. Tools are not generally loved, and they are easily replaced.

But an instrument is far more special! The word conjures up to me the image of a saxophone or clarinet, or a finely honed surgical scalpel. A saxophone is comprised of many intricate valves and parts that are precisely joined together and tuned to produce sweet music. An instrument is specially designed for its purpose, painstakingly and even lovingly. It is not easy to replace an instrument. The one who uses the instrument cares for and even loves it. When not in use, the instrument is carefully placed in a location prepared for it to keep it safe.

The God who created Paul and used him also formed him and loved him. The same God created me and uses me, but God also forms me and loves me. I am beautifully and wonderfully made, because I am loved.

We are His workmanship, created for good works.

I'm no tool... I'm an instrument. So are you.

Ask, Seek, And Knock. Simple Instructions.

God is so big. Massive. My realization of this fills me with awe. Saying "awesome" doesn't really share the immensity of the relationship, or the epiphany. God could be concerned with governments, planets, galaxies... or birds, fleas and grass.... but He chooses to be concerned over me. Chooses to give me more than I could ever really know I needed.

I keep coming back to the Scripture. One idea in particular stands out recently. A theme, of sorts. The words of Jesus. The way he conversed with the apostles and the people. The words he said. I can imagine him shaking his head at us... like a frustrated parent. What were you thinking? Don't you know? I have told you over and over.

It shows in the way he started different explanations. "Have you not read the Scripture?" And it is in the way he instructed by reminding. "You do not have because you do not ask!"

For Christmas in 2007, I asked for a new car. I was frustrated with the Buick and didn't want it to die on me again in some remote place. I put the request in my Elfster account that we had for our family gift exchange. I added that if I didn't ask, I would never receive. Not that I was asking the family to provide, but that I wanted the request known.

Before Christmas 2008, I had the new car.

For Christmas in 2008, I decided to ask for the grandest thing I could think of. I know that I do not have a NEED for any THING, but I have many desires. God says he longs to give us the desires of our hearts. So I went bold. I asked for a new house.

Yesterday, we received the pre-approval letter to take to our contract meeting. We have been approved to make a loan to get a home. We have chosen the home, and are working to purchase it from the owners. This "For Sale By Owner" is a friend of ours, and they never even had to put a sign up at the house.

Before Christmas 2009, if all goes well, we will have the new house I asked for.

What have I missed out on by not asking for it?

Go talk to God. He wants to give us good things.

Safe, Sassy and Silly

I feel like I apologize every time I post. I have not been blogging enough, and I wonder if people even notice, because the hints to write have not come as often as I expected. I do keep up with many of my blogger buddies on Facebook. While it isn't the same, it is more instant, and easier for me.

I have to say for the benefit of my panicked friends, there were tornadoes here in OKC on Tuesday afternoon. My house didn't even get so much as ONE hailstone. Which is good. I could see the storm, to my west, and moving to the north. I have a friend in radio who recorded the storm from his back porch on a cell phone video. It was spectacular. (God is so big!) We are fine, and all our church family and friends are fine. I don't even know anyone who got wind damage or debris thrown at their house.

Thank you to all the friends who checked on me via phone and Facebook. We are not harmed by the tornado, and I value your good thoughts, prayers and well wishes. You are so very important to me. I don't get to say it often, but I should do so more.

My Bro is getting married. This is a little odd. I never even asked what he thought of me saying yes when DH proposed. I was so excited, I didn't think about the family opinions. I don't really know much about Future SIL. I know that she is nice, and pretty, and has Bro's heart. She thinks about Mom and Bro, and not just herself. (The past is behind us...) I have decided that she is good for Bro. In the past, with other girlfriends, I have wondered if Bro was settling. This time, I see that he has THE one. I can't argue with that. I am blessed that he found someone that I can be friends with. I would hate to hurt him by feuding with his wife. I don't see that being a problem here. And we are blessed.

Bro has been happy to plan the wedding according to Future SIL's wishes. I don't even know where the actual ceremony is going to be held. The wedding (and our vacation around it) will be held in Las Vegas, NV. We just got our tax refund in the direct deposit today... so the trip will be nice. We won't be gambling the money away, but we won't be forced to eat $1 hot dogs from the corner stand all week, either. We might even get to take in a show, thanks to this windfall.

Now I am going to have two sisters in law. SIL 1 and 2? Like Thing 1 and Thing 2 in Dr. Seuss books. This makes me laugh. I will have to think of a way to note the difference here on Blogger, so that you can know which SIL I speak of when I randomly mention life events.

DH and I are making a concerted effort to buy a home. We have picked the home, and chosen the Realtor who will guide and help us on the way. I need your prayers on the matter... I am scared. It is a good nervous fear, not the bad "I shouldn't be doing this" fear. I just don't want the fear to cripple me. We are committing to a Mortgage, when the economy and loan process are in the toilet. If one can afford it, now is the time to buy, while the rates are low and sellers are desperate to get out of their overpriced homes. This one is not overpriced, in fact the seller wants to let it go for around $15,000 less than the estimated value of the home. I will post more as we progress.

One last thing....Funny Friday.

Quotes from my Wednesday night Women's Class:
1. What good is having faith if you do not use it?
2. God is gonna be up; there is no sense to me losing sleep over my problems. I am going to bed.
3. Are there any prayer requests? "I have a plethora." (First thought in my head: Do you KNOW what a Plethora is??? We have a lot of fun in Wednesday night class!)

Have a great Valentine's Day!

The Winds And The Waves

I have to admit that Facebook has taken way too much of my time lately. I love talking, and the chat function allows me to chat with people in other states and even other countries, with no extra programs on my computer. Unfortunately for you, I have rather ignored my blog. I never run out of things to talk about, but to write it all down takes a long time for me. I do a lot of self-editing. There are drafts that you have never seen, because I used Blogger to clear my mind, not to write for publication.

I am catching up with so many people that I had lost touch with. Honestly, I was thinking about not trying to find friends from High School, because I kept up with the two or three people who really meant something to me. The rest were... stuck in the yearbooks. But then a few of my old friends found me. It just goes to show that I cannot, should not, make assumptions about my former life.

I have a host of excuses, and none of them says why I am in a funk. I don't really know myself. I just know that I am hoping to make the next year a little more interesting and a lot less sporadic. Some Word of the Posts, some pictures, not so many monologues of craziness.

Do you make resolutions? I have always made a point to NOT make resolutions. I think that serves governments better than individuals. I prefer this year to simply BE resolute. I want to do things with intention. I want to make my time on the internet productive and useful... even profitable, if I can. I want to spend more time in God's Word. I want to read more and watch TV less. I want to move more. I want to spend time in true, meaningful meditation. I want to do more with less.

I want others to know that I serve God, and Jesus is my savior. I want them to know the joy that has brought to my life, not the misery that I have put upon my own shoulders. I want to learn about faith and other things in life from my cats. I want to share what I learn with you. I want to learn from each of you.

As 2008 slows to a halt, and 2009 winds up in preparation to fly, I wish for you the Peace that passes all understanding. We may not live in a peaceful world, but His Peace will calm us in the eye of the storm. Please enjoy this song by Scott Krippayne. (I found a fan video on You Tube.)



P.S. Marvel is snoring. Have you ever heard a cat snore?

Do The Lost Souls Really Congregate In Tulsa?

In the line of deep subjects, I have another that has been eating at my brain for a while. I warn you now, this one is religious. If you don't care, feel free to ignore this post. Seriously. I won't be hurt.

In our Sunday evening services with our church, we have been studying the Deep Subjects of the Bible. The deep questions that people have, and what the Bible says about it all.

I have been to the Tulsa International Soul-Winning Workshop (ISWW) many times over the years. I have gone a few times since I have been on my own, and able to drive myself. I know that good friends of mine have in the past and now live in Tulsa. As it is in Oklahoma, I feel a little more of an attachment to the workshop now that I am an adult. I don't want to make anyone upset. I am just thinking (typing) out loud.

Garnett church of Christ has bowed out of co-managing with Memorial Drive church of Christ. That makes me no never mind, but what is said at the end of this article does bother me. This bit is directly copied, not retyped by me. The quotes are from Terry Rush.

At a session titled “The Future Direction of the Workshop,” Rush also discussed the workshop’s practice of inviting speakers from outside Churches of Christ. The minister stressed that the direction of the workshop is “toward Jesus — not toward the church.”

To that end, workshop coordinators will continue to invite speakers that will inspire attendees to win souls for Christ, he said.

“You are smart enough to sort out the things that are valuable to you and discard the rest,” Rush said.

Now, I am not going to tell you that ONLY the Church of Christ (as a denomination) is going to heaven. I don't believe that. I have discussed those opinions before, and you can look it up, or we can have another conversation about it on email, whatever you like. However, I do believe that drawing people to Christ first requires knowing Christ, and what the speakers believe about Him, and how they will speak.

In order to bring people to Christ, the speakers who are invited to share MUST share the same belief in the Bible. I don't think that the Church of Christ (with or without that first C being capitalized) has the lock on salvation. I believe that the Body of Christ ~ His Bride, His Beloved, His church ~ needs to be told in no uncertain terms what is in His Book. Nothing more. Nothing Less. If we do not check what is said against the measure of the Good News, we are likely to be hoodwinked.

Do the elders of Memorial Drive oversee the lessons that are being presented? They should if they do not.

Yes, Mr. Rush. I am smart enough to "discard the rest", because I have read the Bible from an early age. If you want to bring people to Christ, but you start by presenting conflicting views of the message, you will be sowing the seed in rocky soil, and you will be putting the final nail in the coffin of the Workshop with the remaining attendees. Many have already boycotted the festivities, because they are entertainment more than education, and no longer exclusively Bible based. New Converts may not be studied enough to sort out the junk. It is part of your job to offer only speakers that are proven to be God's mouthpieces. By stating that speakers can come in from other brands of faith, you have joined in the Denominational shell game. Which one is right? You lose when you do not show others how to win.

Separating the saved from the church is impossible. The saved ARE the church. The church is not some name on a door; it is the gathering of family, believers to worship God. Your plan to attract people “toward Jesus — not toward the church” is ludicrous. Those people attracted toward Jesus will be added to the church by God. Not "the Church" as a denomination, but the "THE church" as God's chosen bride for Christ. It isn't your job, Mr. Rush, to decide how the message will be received. Your job, sir, is to tell the message without distortion.

What about the people who have never heard the name of Jesus as anything other than in vain? They don't know how to "discard the rest", and they should not have any of "the rest" to discard. If we are preaching Jesus Christ, and Him Crucified, and Raised from the Dead, then there is nothing left to discard.

I do not claim to know all there is to know about God's plans for me, but going to Tulsa's ISWW is probably not going to be in the works anymore.

Motivation Revisited

Note: All scriptures noted in this post are copy/paste in New International Version from Bible Gateway.

I know my last post on this subject seemed like it came in from way out in left field. It is an old subject. I have been mulling over this much more, recently, since the AFA link was sent to me by a member of my church community. Flip Flop Mamma posted about the church (not one kind of denomination, but Christendom at large) needing to be accepting of homosexuals into their assemblies. Go check out her post, she has some great thoughts (even if I don't totally agree with her on all of it). She has a perspective of this that is different than my own. Her post sparked my thoughts and this discussion here.

I have said (in real life) that having the tendency to be attracted to the same sex isn't the sin, it is choosing to live in that lifestyle. All humans can choose a celibate life.

I don't want to argue with others about whether a gay is born that way or nurtured that way. I cannot believe that God CREATES gays, and then tells us that being gay is a SIN. God does not create sin. I think that "disease" is a result of sin. The original fall, the first sin, allows for bad things to happen. I referenced Romans 1:27 in the last post. This time I will post the actual verse and explain a little further.

Romans 1:27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

This verse says there is a due penalty, a punishment, for having same sex relations. Inferred is that this penalty is physical and earthly, not spiritual and eternal. I believe this is AIDS. Many diseases were classified as "natural causes" when people died, before their causes were discovered and they were given names in modern medical history. I can't imagine that heart-clogging cholesterol is really new. Nor is the common cold, flu, cancer, diabetes, herpes, leprosy or AIDS.

Children are born every day with horrible diseases, and they did nothing wrong to acquire them. No child deserves AIDS, cancer or even asthma. Having diseases is not a sin. It is a punishment. (Don't get all mad yet, keep reading! Plenty of reason to get mad at me later.) In the Bible, some of the punishments God handed out were extended to the 7th or 10th generation down from the sinners. We have to live with the consequences of our actions, both good and bad. Our children sometimes have to live with our consequences. A child living without a parent while a dad or mom is in jail is a child who has consequences without committing sin.

I also will tell you that not all sicknesses are punishment for sin. I do not believe that I get ear infections because I do something that is against God. I don't get them for being a bad person. I get them because water gets trapped in my ears, or because my body reacts badly to cow milk. Allergies and other airborn maladies are not the result of direct sin. The common cold does not float around looking to alight upon the worst sinner it finds.

Sometimes bad things happen to us for good reasons. We may live our entire lives not knowing that reason. The Jews of Jesus' day thought that disease was a result of sin.

John 9:1-3
1 As he (Jesus) went along, he saw a man blind from birth.
2 His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3 "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

The church should accept homosexuals with open arms. But we can't let them stay in their sin. This is the part that "unchurched" people balk at. They want us to let gays be gay, and preach that being gay is OK, when God's word clearly states it is NOT OK.

The church is full of broken people. A place for the sick, the infirm. Hospital. Not a museum of the greatness of humanity. Christians are not perfect, they are forgiven. This is REHAB, people. The place where we try God's new way, we learn how to live again, with the help of others. This is not the Olympics of Purity. We don't show off how good we are... we rejoice when we make small steps toward our recovery.

The church should also accept murderers, hookers, liars, thieves and the proud. The church should accept me. Should accept you. Should help us fix our brokenness, not condemn the bad job we have done so far. Once we go through that door, we should be helped to become better, become like Christ.

Comment from last time, by Flea: "I think, too, that Paul says it well in I Cor. 5:9-13. I think that's what you are saying. At the same time, I hear you saying that you're calling out the sinners who aren't Christians. Specifically the homosexuals. It's been a struggle for me for awhile, this sin versus the ones Christians are comfortable with, like gluttony." (Bold emphasis mine, not Flea's.)

For the benefit of those who don't know the scriptures like they know their own name, here is the passage to which Flea refers. (Yeah, I had to look it up. I don't know everything. See? Pride, right out the window here.)

I Cor. 5:9-13
9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—
10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.
11 But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.
12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?
13 God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."

I agree with Flea that Paul says it best here. In verse 13, that "expel from among you" is an internal instruction; do not let such a man (brother living a lie) stay as a part of your community. I do not want to call out the people who are not part of the church. They are outsiders, and not willingly under the same rules I have accepted. I do want to call to sinners who aren't Christians, not to call them to the mat for their sin, but to offer them the love, peace and forgiveness that God offers freely. The world doesn't often wish to change. They don't see that what they do is against God, and they certainly don't see the eternally damaging results.

I don't want to say that there are no homosexuals in the church, because people are people, and their issues are their own. There are recovering homosexuals in the church. There are recovering dieters, recovering alcoholics. There are divorced people in my congregation, and God hates divorce. I am fat. I have no excuse for it. I make the excuses that I have hormonal issues (which I do, but it should not be my crutch) and I say that I am not good at exercising. But I also concede that I alone have control over what I put in my mouth, and I have not exercised that control. Glutton, just as pointed out.

I have the grace of God. He doesn't want to leave me in this pit of food addiction. God doesn't want to leave me alone any more than He wants Satan to be against Him. Understand this: God even wants to save Satan. Satan has different ideas. Satan fell, by his own willing rebellion against God. He wishes to take as many of us as he can away from God, to hurt God. Satan loves it when we are pitted against one another on the technicalities of our beliefs. When we argue, we are not doing the will of God.

The Amazing part of Grace is that, while God meets us wherever we are, He refuses to leave us there. How can we help but be transformed after being washed by the Creator of everything?

If a homosexual comes to my church, I have no right to call him/her out for the life they are leading. If they come to be added by God, baptized to forgive their sins, then I have nothing to hold against them. That sin is gone, just like my self-loathing is gone, by the grace afforded to any who accept it. However, if they go back to that lifestyle after accepting God's gift of salvation... I suddenly have an obligation to point out what God has to say about it. Not because I want to be the first to point out their faults, but because I want to be the first to help them. I would expect no less from any member of my congregation toward me.


Our first job is to share the good news of Jesus' death, burial and resurrection.


I have had an epiphany, of sorts, over the past two years. I have spoken to people who are being the hands and feet of Jesus, and I have watched how to be a loving person to the broken sinner in the street. It is a special job. I have a firm grip on my own prejudices, and my fear, and my pride. Those little pews help me to be so self-righteous! I want to tell the world about Jesus. The world sees me coming in my naivete', and does their best job to knock me down. I don't want to call out the average Joe in the street, but I don't want the average Joe to call me out, either. It is a continual tug-of-war.

We are not supposed to judge the sins of others. That is God's job. I don't do well at giving up that job. I took it from God, and I am loathe to give it back. I am more likely to share about my new toy (I did buy a camera this weekend.) than I am to say out loud that I want a friend who is not saved to meet my Jesus. That is a fault I am working to change. I am not there yet.

I am still in Rehab.

What's Your Motivation?

Apparently, I am motivated by hate.

I know this may shock most of you. My brother might agree, but the rest of you don't know me as the mean teenager I once was.

From the American Family Association, we now hear that those who are opposed to Same Sex Marriages are motivated by hate.

McDonald's has joined forces with gay rights groups, and while I never was a fan of McDonald's, this is the basis for the AFA to call for a boycott. Now, I don't want you thinking that buying one less cheeseburger will really stop the madness. Boycotts are not the best answer, but they are not completely useless, either. However, that is not the issue I wish to discuss. I wish to discuss the real issue at hand.

Homosexuality is a sin. God condemns it in the Bible. It is against His plan for nature, it is against His law, it is against everything I believe in. But...

While I believe in God and do my best to follow his laws (obedience in my freedom in Christ), not everyone on this planet, or even in this country, believes the same way I do. Not even my own father, it seems, has the exact same views. Shocking, isn't it? There are people in this country who worship other ideas, created images, or creation itself. Many other kinds of religion have flooded society with lies, shades of truth, and information out of context. And, unfortunately, they have the right as Americans... no, as Humans... to do so.

I believe that everyone would benefit from a relationship with Christ. The church is His Bride; we are a people that He adores, and wishes to bring home with Him. Even Christ understands that Humans are proud. We are not fond of being in a relationship at all, much less the best one with Him. We like our love to be shallow; we settle for physical pleasure and call it love. We are so ignorant of what real, honest, true Love actually is.

So, as our hate-monger selves, Christians go around trying to legislate the lives of the unchurched. And vice-versa. Which causes a lot of strife. The Bible tells Christians this: 1 Corinthians 5:12-13a "For what have I (Paul wrote this letter) to do with judging outsiders? (those not in the church) Do you not judge those who are within the church? But those who are outside, God judges." (Notations in parentheses are mine.)

Same Sex Marriages are nothing more than an attempt by a sinful people to give previously denied "rights" to people who are already sinning. If you are the one person in the waiting room while your partner dies in an emergency room, that is not right. To say that only a spouse or blood family member can be in the room is just... inhumane. There are many people who are single or orphans who have none but their closest friends with them. It has nothing to do with one's choice of sexuality. Those basic human rights, to be close to a loved one in a time of crisis, have been denied for many humans. Homosexual couples should not have to demand that courtesy, it should be handed to them with the same care as any human would get. I believe that hospitals have not adapted on this subject to truly serve the public at large. On the hospital side of things, they have the obligation to limit how many people come into strategic areas, but they should not limit whom.

If you choose to live with a person of the same sex and you want to insure your partner, I believe the government has no right to deny that. The insurance companies can argue, but on the basis of health only. They must operate within the laws of the land and the rules in their own policies. It is bad business to deny taking money from customers who need and want your services.

All this is to say that while I have beliefs that homosexuality is wrong, and the people living in that lifestyle choice are going to hell, I do not want the American Government to make laws for or against such behavior. Not the Government's job. (Back to Paul here... we have no jurisdiction over "outsiders", and they have no jurisdiction over the church, either.)

Atheists (which I believe is a religion, but that discussion is also for another time) want Christians to stop demanding God in everything, which is against our relationship. Christians want Atheists to stop ignoring the God of everything, which is against their guesses about the universe. God makes no sense to those who deny that God exists. The tolerance demanded of Christ's followers is not applied to them in equal measure.

Stating the sentence that has already been set for an offense is NOT judging. Those who don't want to hear what I have to say will tell me (yes, I hear this in person a LOT) what the Bible says, but out of context. "Judge not, lest ye be judged." They don't know where to find it, but they know it is in there. This is in Matthew 7:1. Notice how they like to quote good old King James? The education of youth really does stick with you.

I am not making a judgment. I am reciting the sentence that God Himself handed down.

If I told you the penalty for speeding was a ticket, and I could tell you the amount of money you must pay for each of the miles per hour you were above the limit, that is not a judgment. That is a reminder of the sentence. It doesn't change that I want for you to never speed again.

If I told you that the penalty for killing in cold blood is your own death in an electric chair, that is not a judgment. That is a reminder of the sentence. I have not witnessed the murder, bypassed the trial, or condemned you to that death. I have merely stated what law is on the books.

If I told you that the penalty for homosexuality is a life cut short by an unthinkable virus (I think Romans 1:27 shows that God allows AIDS as a result of sin. Not a popular opinion, I know.) followed by a short trip to hell, that is not a judgment. That is a reminder of the sentence. I have not lived the lifestyle choice for you, nor have I argued with you about whether you were born with those tendencies. I have simply shown you where God will judge in the end.

Not believing in God does not stop the fact that He exists, or the fact that you will face Him.

God is the Judge, Jesus is your Defense Attorney. If you don't have THE Attorney, your Defense is lost. God will have no choice, if you are not repentant, but to hand down the verdict that you earned, that last thing you cannot deny... the Judgment that I can predict. No human will escape the Judgment. Read that again, in case you missed it. NO HUMAN will escape the Judgment. We all will have to stand before God, and those with Jesus as their Attorney will receive grace and mercy from the laws they have broken. Those without Jesus will receive the punishments they earned by breaking God's laws. I don't have the right, or the desire, to judge. I didn't write the laws, I can't even interpret them. I break them all the time. We all do, and little white lies are just as sinful as murder, pride and hate. There is prescribed punishment for sin.

There is no defense without Jesus.

The problem I see here is that the world doesn't see the rest of the story. In Romans 1:32, God tells us that those who practice such things (outlined in the verses above) are worthy of death. But then it says that those who heartily approve of such sins and the people who practice them are also worthy of death. If I ever say that it is OK for anyone to be gay, I am worthy of the same death they are subject to. God hates the sin of sexual immorality so much, that if I agree with one who is in that lifestyle, I am going to hell too. Pretty sobering stuff. Notice I did not say that God hates people. He absolutely does not. But, He cannot be in the presence of a willful sinner.

I cannot agree that homosexuality is OK. I cannot sit by and let people in my family and friend circle go to hell, without at least a conversation. I have to say something. I have to try.

I don't want anyone to go to hell, but God says some will. He doesn't want them to go there, either, but He will allow them to make their own mistakes, and give them chances to repent. That is the amazing thing about God's true Love. I think He would have sent Christ, even if it only meant that one of us would be saved. Out of the Billions of humans who have ever lived, I truly believe that Jesus would have come to save only ONE. This salvation isn't limited to ONE, though. You could have it, just as I have accepted it.

If those I love don't listen, I am compelled to try again, even if they don't like hearing what I have to say. I don't think of this as hate. Do you? If your family member is dealing with addiction to alcohol or drugs, do you try once and give up on them? NO. Of course not. You keep trying, hoping they will listen to you someday. They need help, not condemnation. The accusations of hateful motivation come from people who have felt the condemnation, but not felt the help offered in love.

There is also reasoning to shut up. (I know that the "religious right" has a hard time with this) There is Biblical reasoning to take the message elsewhere. When people will not listen, will not repent, and will be hateful to the messengers, that is the time to move the message to another target audience. I cannot change the people who will not see that God's law is superior. I cannot change the fact that homosexuals are still human, and they desire like I do to have basic human respect. I cannot force my beliefs on anyone else. I can love others, and still disapprove of their actions. My goal is to show the love, without ignoring the sin.

So why am I being accused of hate? Satan has taken hold of the Politically Correct trends, and used them to beat up on Christ's followers. Twisted the truth to his own advantage. Made it bad to be good. Sneaky. He has also taken hold of people's fears, and made it offensive to be corrected. In America today, we can no longer discipline our children, arrest our criminals or state ancient rules. When I state God's disapproval of anything, I am hateful. When I show a better way that is contrary to another's pride, I am hateful.

I remember that Jesus said that I would be hated, because I took His Name, and the world hated Him first. The shouting matches will do nothing to calm the hate coming from the outside. I can deal with being hated. I can deal with being accused of hating, even though it is a lie.

Is it hateful to be firm in your beliefs? I don't think so.

Going Home, I'm A-Going Home

When last we saw our heroine, she was leaving Gallup, and winging her way East, toward another edition of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Bloggers. (Thanks to Niki who was the clever one to come up with that parody. I wish I had thought of it first.) Aren't the clouds pretty? You can see them all over the Southwest. Sky isn't as open in the big city.

We proceeded to Albuquerque. This is near the interchange at I25 and I40. In Dallas, they call their big messy area the “Mix Master”. Oklahoma City has flyover loops, but not many areas that are so many levels.

Driving through Albuquerque, I always get the sense that they are working on making the City pretty. Their overpasses are painted, their highway walls are stucco and have impressions of art on them. There is a tall thing that lights up at night. Jenna is embarrassed by the thing, but it is nothing if not interesting. I certainly wouldn't call it pretty. It is near the highway, so I didn't get a good picture of it. Which may be for the best.

We first went to Jenna's house, to clean out the car, and visit for a little bit. One of her dogs, Charlie Brown, is convinced that I have to be stared at. He knows my Mom, and he knows me. He seems to know we are similar, but he also knows we are not the same. I wonder sometimes if he has figured out that I am essentially her "pup". He sits on my lap, and looks deeply into my eyes, which for most dogs means a challenge. He will not bark at Mom when she visits. He sits near her when she is at Jenna's, as if she is in need of a guard. Jenna is sweet, moving the dogs to her room, where they can go outside if they choose. DH likes this, because he isn't really a dog person. I am OK with dogs as long as they don't bite me.

We then went to LooneyMom's home for a wonderful dinner. She prepared a Green Chile Stew, and even made tortillas from scratch! We got to meet her lovely family, and we had a good time visiting with her. Some of the people I have met online (and then in person) have spouses who wonder why they are letting this crazy lady into their lives. Not so with Liz's husband.

He was involved in the conversation, and was happy to meet us. I got to enjoy my favorite things about New Mexico: The green chiles and the people I miss so much. I got to indulge myself in a little homemade peach ice cream. We had a fun visit. Like so many other visits before, it ended far too soon. I cropped the pictures so that you can't see the writing on the wall. (There were household scribbles on the white board behind us, and they looked important, but Liz didn't want me to show them to you.)

We left Liz and went back to Jenna's to spend the night. I tried to get a picture of Albuquerque from Jenna's back door. She lives above the city. It was a spectacular view, but my camera didn't do it the justice it deserved.

Saturday, we decided that the 10 hour drive was going to be easy. We were not in a rush to get home. We drove at a leisurely pace, and stopped to see the things we had never stopped to visit. The one thing that really was in my mind was the huge cross on the highway at Groom, TX.

I have seen it from both directions for over 10 years, but this is the first time either of us had ever stopped to actually visit the scene. As I am not Catholic, I don't completely understand or agree with all the 14 Stations of the Cross. I took pictures of the ones that made sense to me. Here is Pilate washing his hands of the responsibility of killing Jesus.

Here is Jesus carrying the cross, with help from Simon of Cyrene.

Here is the Soldier nailing Jesus down to the wood.

A closeup of the hand of the Soldier, holding the hammer. I think of this as all my sin and anger nailing Christ to the Cross. I have this as my thumbnail picture on my profile. It is profound to me, and precious. Jesus still loves me after THAT. How can I help but live for Him?

Near here, they have a replica of the tomb. Up on top of the replica of the tomb there is a scene of three men hanging on crosses. The Center is, of course, Jesus. The other two are the criminals that were mentioned in the Biblical accounts. In the recreation, the thief on the right (the left of Christ) is the one that is repentent, and the one on the left (to the right of Christ) is the angry one. I got pictures of those in the sunset. It was hard to tell the features, because of all the back lighting.

But, that gives us my favorite picture. This is the representation of Christ hanging on the Cross, between two criminals that should have been me, you and everyone who has ever lived.

The area impacted me. It is not often that I can find meaning in images of what people think Christ looked like. These are bronze statues, so there is the earthen color of them, to make His skin look darker, which is closer to the actual Jewish heritage, and less like the Rennaisance/Romance/Pink Jesus usually depicted in art. I can't help but think that we are too gentle with the thought that He was pretty to look at. Isaiah said there was nothing about His features that made us come to Him. It was His love for us, not His pretty face, that put Him on that Cross for ME. It was His words and His way of caring for us that made Him attractive, not the soft hands and well-groomed beard and straight, golden-lit medium brown hair. I find it hard to think of these statues too long, as they are part of what I would consider as a graven image. God thought images were so important not to do, that he made it one of His Top 10 List of Do's and Don'ts.

I have pondered long and hard about huge crosses, because after Groom presented theirs to the world, a Community Church in Edmond went through a lot of trouble to recreate it here. That church put more money in Legal Fees fighting to get the “right” to build such a monstrosity, than my church family makes in many years. What if, for the sake of argument, they had used that heap of cash to feed the poor, heal the sick, provide for the community? Which acts would have shown the world who Jesus truly was? Now, they still have a hurting world to care for, and the only evidence I see of their faith is an ugly structure that may have cost their souls. I simply don't understand what is so important about displaying a cross instead of displaying the love of the One who suffered the cross to save us.

This is the large cross as I saw it looking down from the top of the hill where the three crosses were. You can see the “stations” around it.

To the left of me from this view, there is a building. It has in the center of it, a water fountain, with an image of Jesus standing in the middle, I guess making a speech.

There is a gift shop (that was closed because we were there far too late in the evening). The area continues to grow. The builders are working on a nativity scene. The family and visitors of baby Jesus.

The camel that likely brought them from afar.

Everything was made of, or pointed to, the cross. Even the light fixtures that shine on it at night are supported by crosses.

The rest of our trip through Texas and Oklahoma was made primarily in the dark. We got home, and had to remind the cats that we still live here, and that we would not harm them. We have never been away for a full two weeks before. Even though they had occasional company from our wonderful friend Cathy who came every day to feed them, they thought we had officially lost our marbles. Which I have not. In fact, I even bought one in Boulder.

I am sorry that the Vacation Chronicles have taken so long to finish. We have had a collapse of computer access. My DH is so intelligent. He rescued a lot of our pictures and word files from our failed laptop. He saved us at least $100, by getting into our desktops and burning CD's of information. I couldn't get the thing to let me into any of the programs. We did have to buy a “genuine” copy of Windows XP Home, and that is now loaded. We still have to get a driver, to tell the computer that it has, and can operate, the wireless modem. (We found out after we loaded the new Windows programs that we could have burned that information, too. C'est la vie!)

This post brought to you by the Awesome DH, and the marvels of modern technology. And by the letter T. And also by the number 3.

Oh Six, Oh Seven, Oh Eight.... Oh My!

Several people have emailed and commented to me that I should put something new on the blog. I have been hesitating and procrastinating. I decided from Jayme's Life Lessons Learned that I cannot spend my "5 minutes" wasted on thinking of doing something when I must DO something. I also chose to put away the putting off of duty, delegation and desire. I should not put off the good I can do today, to wait for better tomorrow, as I may not have a tomorrow. Without further ado...

On Wednesday, June 4, the world should have celebrated a great milestone. However, most of you will never even know about it. 71 years ago on June 4, a man named Sylvan Goldman invented the shopping cart. He first produced them by building a little cart with wheels, that held two small shopping baskets. He also invented the later addition, a child seat in the top part of the cart. They were first used in Oklahoma City. (the news station told me, so don't think I made this up)

Also on June 4 back in 1919, the 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution was instated. It guaranteed the right of Women to Vote. Handy to remember all those 19's.

On Friday, June 6, I was entrusted with a very valuable cargo. I got the opportunity to watch my nephew, Gum Drop, for a few hours while his daddy went to work. His mommy and sister (Jelly Bean) are out of the state on an adventure. This weekend, Gramma and Grampa are borrowing Gum Drop. They have never gotten to have him all by himself, because he is the second child. So, I was trusted to take Gum Drop to the Baby Swap meeting, near half-way between our fair city and Gramma's home. This is a 45 minute drive from Gum Drop's house. He is so laid back, such an easy baby. Totally different from his high-maintenance sister. (Not to say that she is bad; on the contrary, she was an easy baby, too. She just demands more attention.) I took a picture Friday that reminded me much of an old picture of Jelly Bean. Maybe I can get the two pictures side by side here for you someday soon.

I finished reading the most recent book I couldn't put down. It was "Abomination" by Colleen Coble. I loved Colleen's book. It was the perfect blend of thought-provoking and scary. Chills. I was certain the killer was someone else. I see now how she dropped little clues. I didn't see it at the time. Oh, it was great!

I hate to tell her, but there were two mistakes I caught. One of them ruined a bit of the early drama, and the other was a minor typo (and probably not her mistakes at all). I do relish being a Proofreader. I miss it greatly. I need to be in contact with some of the publishers. I want to get transcripts to things electronically, and "telecommute" to work. I don't really want to Edit, per se, but I would love to correct everyone's grammatical and spelling errors. I would so very much enjoy fixing the writers' and publishers' mistakes. Spell Check on your computer program cannot possible find all the mistakes. See? Possibly, you missed it? In a hypothetically perfect world, "an" and "a" would not be interchangeable, particularly in front of words beginning with H. I know. I am a psycho; but my little world is so much more clear, and fun for me.

Today is 06-07-08. It is THE wedding day of the year, supposedly. DH suggested to one bride we know that she should have the wedding start at 3:45. I wonder if there are babies being born today, that will be happy to know their birthday is such an interesting set of numbers? Yesterday was a birthday for a friend from High School (that I have since lost track of). There were three of us, S. born on 04-04, Me born on 05-05 and V. born on 06-06. V. was into lots of strange things, like Numerology, smoking and E.S.P. She commented once on the fact that my upbringing (church of Christ) would not allow me to go to dances, while hers (United Methodist) threw them. It isn't so much that my church wouldn't let me go, but my mother thought I needed to be more mature to go. I was planning to go to my Senior Prom, but when nobody asked (one of two or three nobody's in very particular), I took my father to see a movie. Daddy/Daughter dates were rare, and I enjoyed it. The only downside was that he had to drive home in the downpour of driving, sheeting, bucketing, cats-and-dogs rain.

I have been quietly cleaning up the blog, adding the books I have finished for the 888 Challenge, and massaging the links that I have. I have added a few new links that I have checked often for a long time, but decided to share with those of you who may not go the same route I have traveled. I have removed some links that have not updated for several months. (Jared, I would add you back at a moment's notice, so don't despair!) I finally took down my link to Suezque. It breaks my heart all over again to have to remove something so cherished. I saved the link, and have looked at it often, but I couldn't stare at it anymore on my side bar. In fact, it has been hard for me to come up with something new for the blog, because adding another post would move their remembrance from the top three posts, and I wasn't ready yet for that to happen. I may never be ready, so I decided to do it today.

Flip Flop Mamma lost a close friend recently, as well. He was only 32, and was an amazing story of faith and strength. One of her friends, while at Steve's funeral, said to FFM, "Can you imagine being so amazing that God only needs you on Earth for 32 years?" My memory gave a start, because at the Whitlow graveside service, the second uncle of the three to speak pondered, "The greatest Man to ever walk this Earth died when He was only 33." He was referring to Jesus, of course, and the fact that Gary had not yet made it to his 34th Birthday. I am just 34 myself, and barely so. Stark realizations have set in. I can't imagine that my funeral would be as positive. I must work to change that. I don't believe Gary's age was "coincidence", any more than I think that the tornado was an "accident".

Sally said that she had a friend whose daughter was touched by Gary and Kim's story and dedicated her young life to Christ. What greater good can come out of such tragedy? The work of the Lord goes on, in the lives and hearts of younger people all the time. Legacy. We inherited it from our family or mentors or teachers. It will be passed on to the following generations in the same ways, for all time to come on this Earth. Until Jesus comes back to take us all home, we must forge ahead. Forging is not always an easy or pleasant job. I have to remember to keep looking for good. I have to be good to others, and not let my own disappointment and depression keep me mired in the mud where I seem to be stuck. God will give me His Joy.

DH just told me that Big Brown finished Third. I don't know why that is still so intriguing to me. When I was a child, reading all the horse books I could get my hands on, the current running of the Triple Crown was the only sport I was curious to watch. Big Brown this year had already won the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes. Today was the running of the Kentucky Derby, the third and largest (well, most televised and talked about) race of the Triple Crown. I was rather hoping Big Brown would win. It has been many years since one horse captured all three races. Rare, and exciting to follow. I think Black Beauty got me hooked on the real races, and riding my cousin's horse in the summer trips to Kansas.

Blessings on your weekend!